Melancholy

7:02pm on January 21st, 2015, Wednesday. Brand new year, brand new me, naw. That always appears to be false hope and it truly is. Today, I have been thinking how poorly treated Yoon is and how that is very relatable to me. Like how in 2nd period, during finals today, she told me even though she had lunch with Isabelle and that group of sophomores, she felt like an outcast. Thus she decided to leave early for Senora's class. That made me think how my supposed best friend, Ashley, sometimes does the same thing. It just might be the selfish attribute that everyone has, like its all about me and how much people like me and how they affect me. That is honestly what I think sometimes, but not the part about people liking me, I usually am quite the opposite with that. Like whenever she asks me to go off campus with her, and when we come back, she talks with these people that are her friends. And that pretty much leaves me out of the loop, always. I don't like that feeling, like I am ostracized but then again, that is the case. I forgot what word Yoon used that started with an e- to mean alone and that is completely true and the case for when people do lie. I don't mean like my brother where he makes himself that way. And another thought I had was how my brother telling my mom to shut up really opened my eyes and showed me that I am quite the despicable person. I would do the same thing and I would expect her to shut it but that isn't how things are supposed to go. I need to change that and how I've been feeling I need to be more independent. I can't rely on people anymore, I am pushing people away again because of this very reason. I still like to keep them close, but not too close to be able to help me. That is simply because if I need it, I will ask but if I feel like I can deal with it, I will. It is kind of like laissez faire, where I let things to be in my life and I don't want to feel like a nuisance to other people until I do feel like I need it. And my father's younger sister came today and she just made me feel horrid. I don't know whether she meant to or not, but all I know is that we may be related but we aren't truly family. We don't talk and she's always so judgemental of me, my family and the way we live. There is no reason for that if you aren't going to make it any better. That is the thing that I feel like as I had to sweep the floor just so that when she came, mom didn't have to hear her crap about how dirty the front porch is. Like, honestly, if you aren't going to do anything to help the situation, then just shut it. That is always how I feel as that is the way I want to be seen and treated. If I don't do anything to help a situation, I won't voice my opinion. And there are other times where I just feel like people exhaust me and I don't want to deal with their crap. So I just get hella quiet and, as of recently, I curl up into a human ball. I absolutely love these two people called Yoon and Justin as they just make me realize things about myself and I am able to help myself out. I guess that is the self-awareness that people keep on telling others to have. Like Yoon said people always say her face looks angry when she isn't doing any facial expressions. That is a similar case with me, just because I have a poker face on doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. But then again, I also think of other times when I have my poker face on hella hard, like in 4th last week when I was having a silent panic attack and I was blinking my eyes hella hard to prevent from crying, and no one gave a shit. That is complete bull if people aren't going to actually be sincere and ask me if there is anything wrong every time i have my poker face on if all you're gonna do is ask every once in a while. That is all I want to be able to say for now. There are just many issues that I have felt like I need to discuss at some point. Just, the sensation of writing and typing makes me feel better.