October 17th, 2012

                 Now is 8:15pm. So yesterday, my ONLY guy friends of only about one month told me he like liked me. And I was like jumping for joy since a guy FINALLY likes me. I mean I don't even try hard on my appearance, maybe that's why. But I've gotten to know him and everything. And he seems like a great person. So I asked him if he was serious and he said he was 100% in love with me. And I just burst out laughing and felt so happy. I mean for once in my life of only 14 and 4 months, a guy likes me for who I really am. And I was just so happy. But then he asked me to homecoming and I got really weirded out. I mean I liked the fact that someone likes me for me. But I didn't know it would turn out like this. So I rushed upstairs and asked my mom. For once, she was like "it's all your decision of if you want to go or not". I was basically like in her face PRACTICALLY telling her to say no. I had all these reasons of why it's bad to go. And then my mom was finally like okay you can't go. She said if she said no, then I'd get mad and if she said yes I'd still get mad. But I didn't and still don't want to go to homecoming. So I told him my mom said no. And then he pretty much assumed we were dating or at least a couple since he told me he loved me and all. And I was just like "fuck, now my perfect happy first relationship and everything is ruined." And then I just got bored of it and I was all like "How am I gonna fix this now?" I mean I still want to be friends with him. And we still are, but yet again I used my mom as my shield and didn't be honest with him. But it is true though. So I wasn't lying, I just didn't tell the whole reason why. Then at school it was kind of awkward, and during lunch it was even worse. I mean I told my friend, that I think he and I are dating and she was like Awesome. And now fuck, I have to tell her tomorrow that we aren't. So you know she won't get the wrong idea. And I also told my other friend and she was just like EW. And i don't know about that. I mean I don't want to date right now, just have crushed on cute guys, so I wouldn't know if his face was ew or not. I mean I don't think I've ever truly looked at his face. I mean it's weird to check out a friend. So I just didn't check him out at all. So anyway, I was eating pizza from Little Caesar's  for $5.48 including tax. Only 5 bucks for the pizza, on the stairs by the bus doors I guess you could call them that. And he walked by, I was so fucking like "AUGH!! SHIT!" And that was when I told her it was him. So today on Facebook  I told him I'm not allowed to date and he was like "oh, OK . I said that after he said he didn't know any spots to date. I was at my aunt's house/mom's. And I had told my aunt about it. So she told me to basically tell him to buzz off and if he wants to be normal friends then great, if not then I can find other friends.  But he's the 1st guy friend since 6th grade. Which I don't really care if they're guys or girls, just the fact I have someone to hang out with at classes and during lunch, I'm good. Pretty much just during school and I'll be fine. I mean I didn't know talking to someone until after 10 pm was like "forbidden" if you aren't dating or if you aren't like best friends with them. I think I was myself too much around him. I mean it's a good thing to be yourself, but I made myself 100% vulnerable to him. And now I'm fucking dead if he ever decided to do anything with my secrets. Well then again it's on Facebook so I'm dead anyway. So we're good now but I still (I guess) acted like I wanted to be his girlfriend since I was all asking him questions and grilling him to answer them. God that sounds so wrong! :( So I asked him what he liked about me and he said that I'm a great listener, and like 2 other things. I think one of them was that I cared. I don't really since I'm "heartless" according to my grandma yesterday. Of which I cried because I do feel like I am, but my brother was like "if you were then you would have just told the truth and said no to him". So I guess he's right, but I felt as if that was true so I started crying. The worst part was that it was Justin's birthday yesterday. I feel so nothing, like empty. I would like to feel sad, or ashamed of myself. But yet I don't. It's just so awful to feel that way. And the worst part is my brother downloaded word view which makes everything view in that and now if I save something I have no clue how to edit it. Other than opening a word-pad and finding the file then opening it like that. So anyway he also said he liked my eyes. Which is good since that means at least I'm, idk. But it's a good thing since i think guys like eyes the best other than ass, boobs, and the V. lol, yeah so I have to clear this up. And now I also have to go tell my mom now. So goodbye for now. ^-^ End 8:38 pm.