Melancholy

7:02pm on January 21st, 2015, Wednesday. Brand new year, brand new me, naw. That always appears to be false hope and it truly is. Today, I have been thinking how poorly treated Yoon is and how that is very relatable to me. Like how in 2nd period, during finals today, she told me even though she had lunch with Isabelle and that group of sophomores, she felt like an outcast. Thus she decided to leave early for Senora's class. That made me think how my supposed best friend, Ashley, sometimes does the same thing. It just might be the selfish attribute that everyone has, like its all about me and how much people like me and how they affect me. That is honestly what I think sometimes, but not the part about people liking me, I usually am quite the opposite with that. Like whenever she asks me to go off campus with her, and when we come back, she talks with these people that are her friends. And that pretty much leaves me out of the loop, always. I don't like that feeling, like I am ostracized but then again, that is the case. I forgot what word Yoon used that started with an e- to mean alone and that is completely true and the case for when people do lie. I don't mean like my brother where he makes himself that way. And another thought I had was how my brother telling my mom to shut up really opened my eyes and showed me that I am quite the despicable person. I would do the same thing and I would expect her to shut it but that isn't how things are supposed to go. I need to change that and how I've been feeling I need to be more independent. I can't rely on people anymore, I am pushing people away again because of this very reason. I still like to keep them close, but not too close to be able to help me. That is simply because if I need it, I will ask but if I feel like I can deal with it, I will. It is kind of like laissez faire, where I let things to be in my life and I don't want to feel like a nuisance to other people until I do feel like I need it. And my father's younger sister came today and she just made me feel horrid. I don't know whether she meant to or not, but all I know is that we may be related but we aren't truly family. We don't talk and she's always so judgemental of me, my family and the way we live. There is no reason for that if you aren't going to make it any better. That is the thing that I feel like as I had to sweep the floor just so that when she came, mom didn't have to hear her crap about how dirty the front porch is. Like, honestly, if you aren't going to do anything to help the situation, then just shut it. That is always how I feel as that is the way I want to be seen and treated. If I don't do anything to help a situation, I won't voice my opinion. And there are other times where I just feel like people exhaust me and I don't want to deal with their crap. So I just get hella quiet and, as of recently, I curl up into a human ball. I absolutely love these two people called Yoon and Justin as they just make me realize things about myself and I am able to help myself out. I guess that is the self-awareness that people keep on telling others to have. Like Yoon said people always say her face looks angry when she isn't doing any facial expressions. That is a similar case with me, just because I have a poker face on doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. But then again, I also think of other times when I have my poker face on hella hard, like in 4th last week when I was having a silent panic attack and I was blinking my eyes hella hard to prevent from crying, and no one gave a shit. That is complete bull if people aren't going to actually be sincere and ask me if there is anything wrong every time i have my poker face on if all you're gonna do is ask every once in a while. That is all I want to be able to say for now. There are just many issues that I have felt like I need to discuss at some point. Just, the sensation of writing and typing makes me feel better.

Garnier Clean+ Blackhead Eliminating Scrub

      I am pretty sure most people have seen this in the drugstores and it works well! I don't really like it myself since my skin is normal and it doesn't really have any oils other than my T-zone (forehead and nose area). It also drys my skin out a lot. Even though I have put on 2 layers of lotion on my skin since I have finished washing it, it still feels really dried out and it is heating up my face like when I see my crush. It is exactly the same feeling, except it is not what I want it to be. For me, this product is too much for my skin, I prefer the Clean & Clear Normal face washes better (especially the morning burst line ^-^) since they work better for my skin. Just for documentation purposes, I rarely ever have acne and when I do, it is simply just one and it goes away within 3-4 days. So I would say that whether I use a face wash or not, I wouldn't get much acne. Which just means that scrubs are way too harsh for my skin anyway. I will just stick with my Clean & Clear face washes until I decide I want to try something out again. I also don't have the best diet, Hot Cheetos are my life and it has absolutely no effect on me whatsoever. That is all I wanted to say as this is a product I wouldn't recommend for someone who has, normally, clear skin. Hope anyone reading this is having a nice day!

Project Pan 21

One of my favorite youtubers, PriscillaaSays, did one of these so I decided to do one too except with my own twist to it. It won't just be beauty products, just products in general that I feel like I need to use up. First one starting with this whitening pen, I had started this like a month ago but I didn't have time to document it. Now that I have, I have already finished this one for a while now. I have already tossed it out and I didn't feel like it helped whiten my teeth at all, it was just an extra step that wasted my time and money on this product.

 I feel the same way for this Nair hair remover thing since it stings when I put it on my skin, whether it is my arms, legs or armpits. It also doesn't really do that great of a job of getting rid of the hair either. Every single time I have to go back and shave it. Since it doesn't do much, I have now just decided to use it up by using a thin layer of this as shaving cream and it has made my legs smoother. It is thicker than shaving cream, but it works for that though.

 As for this small sample sized lotion, it smells really good, exactly like pomegranates and fig. More of a heavier scent but I still really like it and I have like 1/4 of it left.

 For this lip-gloss, I have never been a big fan of these so more than likely I will just end up throwing it away since  the smell is just terrible. There is also how it is very hard to get out the product.

 For these 3 lip balms, I just don't really like them that much and 2 of them were freebies. Of course I just need to get rid of these. For the orange one, I use at school and in public as for the one in the middle, I use that when I go to sleep. The bottom one, I just use whenever I remember it. The bottom 2, most of it was still left and the top one has like 1/4 of the product left.

 These nail polish, I have just had them too long in my collection. They are supposed to expire this year as the expiration date for nail polish is 2 years from the day one opens them. I have now painted my nails with this color on many occasions, have started to make DIY nail stickers with them as well. It is fun and something I saw on YouTube. The colors I am trying to use up are Rimmel London 230 Portobello Pink, Wet N Wild Carribean Frost, Wet N Wild Hallucinate, Wet N Wild Bijou Blue (Left To Right).

 This deodorant is one that my mom wanted to try out but decided she didn't like it so I took it. I am nearly done with it, I should say I have hit pan, but yet not quite as there is still quite the product left. Like I stand twist it anymore to get more product out but there is still a lot. I like this scent, it's not too overpowering. 

 Yes, it is another deodorant and this one I haven't used yet since the one above isn't done yet. This is my favorite scent out of the 2 I've tried from Suave, Wild Cherry Blossom, it just sweet and flowery. Just perfect for spring. About half of the product is still left.

 For this picture, I was just lazy and didn't want to take each separate product. For the first mascara, Revlon lash potion, it is a volumizing mascara and it works really well on my eyelashes. For the foundation, Rimmel Match Perfection, it is a bit too dark that is why I also have the Revlon Colorstay concealer in light so that I can mix the 2 for a perfect match on my skin. The 2 works well together for a medium coverage. Right now, I am in a really big want to try out new products so I am just trying to get rid of them by using them as paint. It works, needs less time to dry than normal paint. For the second mascara, it is a lengthening one and it works really well for that as well. For the Covergirl duo stick, this is already my 2nd one I am using up and I really like it but I believe it is discontinued.

For this shampoo, I bought it because I am a cheapskate, thinking it would just be a normal shampoo with no affects to my hair whatsoever, but it caused me to start to have hair loss. I am still going to use it since I spent money on it, but other than that, the smell is my favorite. That is the one thing that drew me to it.

 This was just a sample sized shampoo and I liked it as it was just a normal shampoo that did nothing to my hair. I have a few more of these that I need to use up but I already used this one up, so I am already down to 19 items. I didn't really like the smell but it worked fine.

This conditioner smells really good, I really like it. It works well for my hair when I use a lot of it and I leave it in for a few minutes, then rise it out. It makes my hair knot-free, which is the best part. I am not sure if stores still have this, but I will purchase more of this brand's condition after I am done using all of my conditions.

In conclusion, (Haha, like it's an essay or something) I will stick to this for as long as I can until I just don't have the energy to anymore. Also, since this is my version of this, I will add more items if I feel the need to. As in, if there are products just sitting there that I am not using but I need to.

Life As I Know It

          Alright, so I might still be a teenager, but I still do know many times that trouble me and what kinds of things I need to change about myself. So this is pretty much me ranting about myself, starting 8:43pm. I am supposed to get braces next Wednesday and they already put in separators for my teeth. They hurt really bad and I have been able to chew food or eat barely any other kinds of food other than congee and ice cream. It isn't that big of a deal other than how I can't eat any of my favorite foods, especially when we finally have french fries at home. *Sigh* Brother will eat all of them before I can even start to eat them again. For some odd reason, it's always the left side of jaw that really hurts. I also feel like my teeth are loosening and I am afraid that they will fall out and I won't be able to chew or eat. I am supposed to take the AP Psych. test on Monday and I haven't been studying as hard as I should either. I wish I would stop gawking at my 3 love interests and do something productive, but then again that is something I treasure very much. That meaning looking at boys to see how imperfectly perfect they are. It sure does sound like a whole bunch of junk but I honestly do mean it. They are just amazing beings that fits my ideals. Well, then again, my ideals are very high standards which means that I don't really need them to be 100% my ideals. Most boys tend to fit parts of my ideals anyway, shy boy. Hehe, I love talking about my ideal boy. Okay, there are a few different ones but the one I am loving the most right now is a boy with a kid that is his. It is due to the book I read called "Nature Of Jade" by Deb Caletti and Sebastian has a kid but yet he's still so sweet to Jade. I must admit, it was first because of Dallas from Degrassi, he wanted to beat the crap out of Leo but he didn't because he heard his son's voice (Rocky) and stopped himself. That is such a great thing he did. Now, my ideal that has been for a while now is the generic nerd, of which I have yet to find him yet but I am not losing hope~! This is the first time in perhaps 2 months that I've typed anything out of my life and it feels good I would have to say. Though people may not read this at all since I don't promote this odd blog, but it feels good just being able to go back to read my own stuff without having to search for it through a flash-drive or a computer. :) Not much, but I want to add more later. End 8:53pm.

Sleepy As Fuuu~~!

So right now is 8:43 pm. Pretty much all day after school today, all I did was sleep. I wanted to watch this Chinese drama because it has this really cute boy. But my dad was already watching the TV. So I decided to go to sleep. I was also sleepy, cold and tired always. So the best thing to is my favorite thing, to sleep. DORMIR!! So I did and I wanted to wake up at 6:30 pm to watch that Chinese drama with the cute boy. But I woke up at 6:39 pm. And as it turned out, I turned off my alarm clock half asleep. Or else why would it have suddenly turned off on it's own? Then I just continued to sleep, and then I realized I haven't thought up of a little fantasy in a while. So I continued a fantasy from a while back. It's in a high school setting in Hong Kong. And it has that cute boy, but he was playing a troublemaker. And so I just continued that and then I had to eat dinner. I didn't want to go on the computer today, to be honest. But I wanted to check on my farm in farmville 2 and the other Facebook games I play. So I did and now I just want to go to sleep so I can fantasized and Fan Tai. That's the character's name, his real name is Dickson Wong. Yeah, ha-ha, very funny. No, it's not. He's a cute as fuuu~~ boy, so don't even think about that. Well then again I think I have a soft spot for cute guys with flaws. Whaa! (>/////<) Now I'm getting all fan-girl. So anyway, I'm just gonna go back to sleep soon now. Nighty~night! ^-^ End 8:49 pm.

October 17th, 2012

                 Now is 8:15pm. So yesterday, my ONLY guy friends of only about one month told me he like liked me. And I was like jumping for joy since a guy FINALLY likes me. I mean I don't even try hard on my appearance, maybe that's why. But I've gotten to know him and everything. And he seems like a great person. So I asked him if he was serious and he said he was 100% in love with me. And I just burst out laughing and felt so happy. I mean for once in my life of only 14 and 4 months, a guy likes me for who I really am. And I was just so happy. But then he asked me to homecoming and I got really weirded out. I mean I liked the fact that someone likes me for me. But I didn't know it would turn out like this. So I rushed upstairs and asked my mom. For once, she was like "it's all your decision of if you want to go or not". I was basically like in her face PRACTICALLY telling her to say no. I had all these reasons of why it's bad to go. And then my mom was finally like okay you can't go. She said if she said no, then I'd get mad and if she said yes I'd still get mad. But I didn't and still don't want to go to homecoming. So I told him my mom said no. And then he pretty much assumed we were dating or at least a couple since he told me he loved me and all. And I was just like "fuck, now my perfect happy first relationship and everything is ruined." And then I just got bored of it and I was all like "How am I gonna fix this now?" I mean I still want to be friends with him. And we still are, but yet again I used my mom as my shield and didn't be honest with him. But it is true though. So I wasn't lying, I just didn't tell the whole reason why. Then at school it was kind of awkward, and during lunch it was even worse. I mean I told my friend, that I think he and I are dating and she was like Awesome. And now fuck, I have to tell her tomorrow that we aren't. So you know she won't get the wrong idea. And I also told my other friend and she was just like EW. And i don't know about that. I mean I don't want to date right now, just have crushed on cute guys, so I wouldn't know if his face was ew or not. I mean I don't think I've ever truly looked at his face. I mean it's weird to check out a friend. So I just didn't check him out at all. So anyway, I was eating pizza from Little Caesar's  for $5.48 including tax. Only 5 bucks for the pizza, on the stairs by the bus doors I guess you could call them that. And he walked by, I was so fucking like "AUGH!! SHIT!" And that was when I told her it was him. So today on Facebook  I told him I'm not allowed to date and he was like "oh, OK . I said that after he said he didn't know any spots to date. I was at my aunt's house/mom's. And I had told my aunt about it. So she told me to basically tell him to buzz off and if he wants to be normal friends then great, if not then I can find other friends.  But he's the 1st guy friend since 6th grade. Which I don't really care if they're guys or girls, just the fact I have someone to hang out with at classes and during lunch, I'm good. Pretty much just during school and I'll be fine. I mean I didn't know talking to someone until after 10 pm was like "forbidden" if you aren't dating or if you aren't like best friends with them. I think I was myself too much around him. I mean it's a good thing to be yourself, but I made myself 100% vulnerable to him. And now I'm fucking dead if he ever decided to do anything with my secrets. Well then again it's on Facebook so I'm dead anyway. So we're good now but I still (I guess) acted like I wanted to be his girlfriend since I was all asking him questions and grilling him to answer them. God that sounds so wrong! :( So I asked him what he liked about me and he said that I'm a great listener, and like 2 other things. I think one of them was that I cared. I don't really since I'm "heartless" according to my grandma yesterday. Of which I cried because I do feel like I am, but my brother was like "if you were then you would have just told the truth and said no to him". So I guess he's right, but I felt as if that was true so I started crying. The worst part was that it was Justin's birthday yesterday. I feel so nothing, like empty. I would like to feel sad, or ashamed of myself. But yet I don't. It's just so awful to feel that way. And the worst part is my brother downloaded word view which makes everything view in that and now if I save something I have no clue how to edit it. Other than opening a word-pad and finding the file then opening it like that. So anyway he also said he liked my eyes. Which is good since that means at least I'm, idk. But it's a good thing since i think guys like eyes the best other than ass, boobs, and the V. lol, yeah so I have to clear this up. And now I also have to go tell my mom now. So goodbye for now. ^-^ End 8:38 pm.

Goodnight~!

10/1/2012 Now is 12:59am. I really should go to sleep. =.= That's what I'm gonna do after this. And I'm only starting a blog because I just realized I could have one instead of having the fuss of keeping a diary. People probably won't read this anyway or care at all. So I can basically post whatever I want, the same thing as a diary. I rant a lot. So right now, I'm listening to "Baby Good Night" by B1A4. Even though I'm not really sleepy right now, I'll go to sleep since I got school in about a couple of hours. I'm just kind of not sure if I'll be able to get back to this to actually post more for myself to see. But whatever, if I can't then I'll just go back to my life being a blast, but absolutely no documentation of it. :( So I'm just gonna go to sleep now. End 1:03am. ^-^ The last song I'm listening to is still "Baby Good Night" by B1A4. Good night~!